Masks

Living a life under a mask
Hiding ever tear
Living your life shut away
So you don't have to show your fear to the world
Smiling when you feel like dying
Laughing when you want to hide
Crying into your pillow so noone knows
What a life
This life is mine

Depression is a bad thing. Especially when it's cause by factors that you can't control. Me? I was a happy go lucky woman who couldn't care less if something bad happened. Now? I'm a miserable bitch because I just can't shake this feeling.

I've gone from a healthy slim girl to a fat ill woman. In a period of 3 years. Brought on by stress. My world does not seem to get any easier. Every time I turn a corner there is more bad news.

People think nothing can be that bad. No people have a lot worse in their life than me. Fact. But written down I have been through a lot. I should be proud of the fact I have come through this and am still standing but no I want to curl up and hide.

- Broke up from my partner after 13 years because he turned abusive
- Neighbours started harrassing me 24/7 
- Started a new bad relationship, he was in a bad relationship which I knew, I had hopes he would leave her. He never did. I got pregnant but because I've had part of my womb removed I could not carry my baby and had to have her aborted. That broke my heart and will never be repaired.
- Thought about killing myself but couldn't find a way of doing it without hurting my boys
- Started to get pain in my right arm. Later spread to my whole body
- Left him after realising I deserved better and carried on.
- Met who I thought was the one. Turned out not was he married but seeing half of England. Class    this as punishment for previous relationship.
- Found out my Nanna's cancer had returned.
- Lost my Nanna. Turned my world upside down.
- Son turned suicidal and stopped eating because he lost his Great Nan.
- Other son became bullied in school
- Got education department on back because eldest son had had lots of time off school because of asthma
- Neighbours got worse with harassing me
- My health was now critical. Hospitals ingored me and told me nothing more they could do and deal with it. Whole body racked with pain by now.
- Went from happy healthy size 14-16 to fat size 24 due to ill health and going from mobile to immobile
- Found out best friend of 20 plus years possibly has cancer
- Son still painfully thin
- Friends husband died suddenly

Reading all this may sound trivial but it overwhelms you. It blocks that light out at the end of the tunnel. It makes you ignore all the good things so you only see the bad. It is a darkness. And one I want to find my way out of. And I will. I will get there.