To be or Not to be

as asshole. That IS the question.

What makes people who work in the public sector want to be an asshole?

Take today for example. I rang Virgin Media to ask for an extension on my bill. I wanted 8 days. 8 measly days. I have a cash flow problem this month due to it being February and less days in the month for my money but still the same amount of bills. I was patronised by the asshole on the other end of the line. I asked him not to patronise me and what did he reply? Did he apologise? No he told me not to patronise him with my excuses.

Take this evening. Eldest son had a dentist appointment. For those that read this that don't know I am disabled. I use a crutch. And I was getting a cab to my eldest sons school, picking him up, going onto my youngest sons school, picking him up and carrying on to the dentist.

My eldest son was late out, we waited 5-10 minutes. The taxi driver said "You know Love we cant wait here all day". I said "well I gotta wait for my son haven't I?" He replied "well you're going to have to get out and call another cab" I said "I can't do that Im disabled". He replied "not my problem".  I was fuming. Told him I was making a complaint against him. And he replied "make sure you tell them it was your choice to get out of the cab" I said "excuse me but seriously it was you who told me" he said "no I never." I said "You have just said it" and I relayed everything back to him and he denied it until I said about the disabled bit again and said that he had said it was not my problem he replied "well it isnt". I just got out of the taxi and would you believe my son appeared.

I phoned the taxi company (Delta) and complained and got another cab. It meant I was late for my youngest by 30 minutes.

Now this asshole made me feel bad. He intimidated me. He felt he could be an asshole because I was disabled. He didn't expect me to bite back.  But I did.

But what drives these people? Why do they have to be so mean? Why is this world full of such hatred and nastiness. Why can't people just try to help one another instead of pointing the finger and accusing. Maybe if they did then this world would just be a slightly better place.

Masks

Living a life under a mask
Hiding ever tear
Living your life shut away
So you don't have to show your fear to the world
Smiling when you feel like dying
Laughing when you want to hide
Crying into your pillow so noone knows
What a life
This life is mine

Depression is a bad thing. Especially when it's cause by factors that you can't control. Me? I was a happy go lucky woman who couldn't care less if something bad happened. Now? I'm a miserable bitch because I just can't shake this feeling.

I've gone from a healthy slim girl to a fat ill woman. In a period of 3 years. Brought on by stress. My world does not seem to get any easier. Every time I turn a corner there is more bad news.

People think nothing can be that bad. No people have a lot worse in their life than me. Fact. But written down I have been through a lot. I should be proud of the fact I have come through this and am still standing but no I want to curl up and hide.

- Broke up from my partner after 13 years because he turned abusive
- Neighbours started harrassing me 24/7 
- Started a new bad relationship, he was in a bad relationship which I knew, I had hopes he would leave her. He never did. I got pregnant but because I've had part of my womb removed I could not carry my baby and had to have her aborted. That broke my heart and will never be repaired.
- Thought about killing myself but couldn't find a way of doing it without hurting my boys
- Started to get pain in my right arm. Later spread to my whole body
- Left him after realising I deserved better and carried on.
- Met who I thought was the one. Turned out not was he married but seeing half of England. Class    this as punishment for previous relationship.
- Found out my Nanna's cancer had returned.
- Lost my Nanna. Turned my world upside down.
- Son turned suicidal and stopped eating because he lost his Great Nan.
- Other son became bullied in school
- Got education department on back because eldest son had had lots of time off school because of asthma
- Neighbours got worse with harassing me
- My health was now critical. Hospitals ingored me and told me nothing more they could do and deal with it. Whole body racked with pain by now.
- Went from happy healthy size 14-16 to fat size 24 due to ill health and going from mobile to immobile
- Found out best friend of 20 plus years possibly has cancer
- Son still painfully thin
- Friends husband died suddenly

Reading all this may sound trivial but it overwhelms you. It blocks that light out at the end of the tunnel. It makes you ignore all the good things so you only see the bad. It is a darkness. And one I want to find my way out of. And I will. I will get there.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Why does it take a tragedy to make you look at things and think and want to tell those who mean the most to you that you love them.

A dear friend of mine this week had the most devastating thing happen to her. Her husband died suddenly. No warning. Just a sudden horrific sad thing. I was talking to her with her husband in the room perfectly fine, a few hours before.

She is the most upbeat positive loving person you could meet and it's just heartbreaking to know what she is going through. I cry and have a heavy heart for her knowing her heart is broken.

Friends and family are the people who mean the most to you in life naturally. Friends sometimes than family. Even friends that you haven't actually met face to face can be classed as family. And when they hurt you hurt and it makes you realise that no matter what has gone on in this world, no matter what horrible words have been said by each person, that at the end of the day, no matter how healthy someone is, if it is your time to go, then so be it.

So please, if you have a loved one, or someone you haven't spoken to for a long time, someone you love please tell them that you love them because basically noone knows what will happen when tomorrow comes.

Friends and family in my life, if we don't agree on things, have said horrible things in the past, no matter what I still love you.

One Year on

From a place high above,
Where angels float in the sky,
To the very ground I walk on,
My Nanna watches over me,
Every step I take,
Leading me in the right direction,
Showing me the way.

Even though I know that she is in my heart,
I wish she could be here watching me,
As I develop into a beautiful young woman.

No matter what,
No matter how far away she might be,
She is still my hero,
For she has changed me.

The death of my guardian angel,
Was the hardest year of my life,
Even though she moved to the best place in the world.

I thought my life was over,
I did not get to see her often,
Because we lived so far away,
But even then she meant the world to me,

She knew no wrong.
Always wanting what was best for everyone,
Never putting herself ahead,
I've never met a better person,
To help me walk my way,
I never thought I’d get through this,
And still haven't today,
But knowing she’s always with me.
Makes me stronger in my everyday life.

You see, my Nanna died one year ago,
And how the pain hit me,
I thought it would never end,
But now her spirit is with me,
And I know she’s living a better life,
Sleeping with the angels,
In her comfy bed at night.
Sleeping With The Angels by Tanya E. Fowler

It's been one year on Saturday since I lost my best friend. It's been the hardest year yet and it doesn't get any easier. I miss everything about her, every single thing. The boys miss their Nanna Stella. Steven misses his nightly chats singing to her. One day Nanna we will meet again and you can sing to me, "all the breeze seems to whisper Louise". I miss and love you with all my heart.

I didn't write this poem but I did do the artwork. It is to the lyrics to the song below.
Artwork © originalkitten2008

This song reminds me of my Nanna too